miss_m_cricket: (Dragons - Gold)
[personal profile] miss_m_cricket
Title: Trapped
Author: [livejournal.com profile] miss_m_cricket
Fandom: Dragonriders of Pern
Rating: Teen
Character: Sirasri & Tameketh
Warning: Character death mentioned
Disclaimer: Don't own anything at all...

Summary: Sirasri has never felt more trapped. ...

A/N: Circumstances for this are taken from DarkFort a RP based of the Dragonriders of Pern. Think sexism, homophobia, abuse and wonderfully scheming politics.... Sirasri is my young goldrider who Impressed to golden Tameketh and jumped to the highest eschelon of rank in the Weyr...without really being prepared for the cost.


Trapped

It was evening when the door to Sirasri’s weyr opened and the young goldrider walked in looking exhausted.

Her usually neat gold hair was mussed from the anxious running of hands through it, her lips were slightly chapped from biting them, and her nails showed signs of being bitten down to the quick. But more than this, her tiredness showed in her slow movements, the slump in her slender frame and the way the girl flopped onto the couch.

Before she’d Impressed Tameketh Sirasri had been merely a child. Oh she had thought she was a mature lady, and had played with a woman’s games and guile, but in truth she had been simply a young girl, not yet aware of the deeper nature of things. She had understood Fort, understood its subtle currents and alliances, but she had grasped this understanding from the base of the pile, in her place as one of the lowliest of the Weyr, just a little higher than a Drudge.

She had played the game well for a girl candidate, securing the affections of a bronzerider, who had supported her as his choice for the Gold egg, and had bolstered her status. She had been friends with X’ke, with S’ryl, K’pen and C’wyn, all of whom had gone on to Impress bronze. She had friends amongst the browns, amongst the blues amongst the greens. She was connected.

Before Tameketh she had believed herself to be ready.

Her childhood had ended the moment her eyes met those whirling eyes, the instant that strong female mind joined hers. Tameketh made her whole, but also pushed her from the safe nest she had been in, and out into the wide open, hostile world.

There was no buffer, no time to adjust to her sudden change in status. In a few seconds she had gone from being a simple Weyrbred girl to being one of the elite, a goldrider.

She struggled, of course she had struggled. It had been less of a shock for S’torn and X’ke than it had been for her, simply because the male candidacy had trained them better, had trained them for the possibility of being a bronzerider. Female candidacy had been less efficient, and had consisted more of the womanly tasks of the lower caverns than teaching her to be a strong female leader.

Reeling from her new life, the new responsibilities, the weight of expectation she had needed someone to support her, to stand with her and help her. And for a time she had had that in P’torn. She had loved him for his simple belief in her, his kindness, his trust and although her head had screamed at her that goldriders and greenriders were not meant to be, she had let herself indulge for a while.

But it had not lasted. Reality had made sure of that, the reality of their places in the world, the reality that Sirasri could not protect him from everything. In fact, her love might just be what he needed protecting from.

That hurt.

But it didn’t hurt as much as the bitter taste of failure did.

Before Tameketh she had been a child, and with a child’s innocence she had believed herself invulnerable, capable of handling everything. She had been wrong.

Now her heart, which had allowed her to make alliances and deep friendships with her fellow candidates, seemed to trip her up at every step. Where once she had been confident and assured, secure in her looks and in her charm, now all she could feel was crippling indecision.

She wanted to be like Nalire, so poised and regal, so assured in herself and in her choices. She wanted to have her grace, her control and her strength, most of all she wanted her strength. The Weyrwoman was more of a mother to her than her own had ever been and the thought of letting her down, of failing her...

She wanted to be like C’wyn, so confident in who he was. She wanted to be like him, uncaring of what others thought, but still able to keep their loyalty and friendship. She wanted to have his strength too.

She wanted to be like Faeje, so unbreakable. She wanted to be like the blueriding woman who was determined to achieve what she desired, and would push through all trouble until she succeeded, no matter the cost. She wanted her strength.

She wanted to be the woman S’torn expected her to be. She wanted to be the perfect woman X’ke seemed to believe her to be. She wanted to be what everyone wanted her to be.

And that was just it wasn’t it....she wanted so badly to please everyone, to have their love, their respect, that she couldn’t do anything. She was too afraid of failing to really try any more.

She needed to be loved, and she needed to love.

But Goldriders were not supposed to love, they were supposed to be strong women, women who could lead a Weyr, could organise the domestic side of life, supposed to support their dragons as they populated the Weyr.

They weren’t supposed to love the greenriders, the blueriders. They weren’t supposed to want to hug them and be there for them. They weren’t supposed to be friends with the lesser. They weren’t supposed to even have much to do with browns.

But then...she had to be careful with her interactions with bronzes too. They were not supposed to love either, and to them...she was just a pretty pawn in their game of power.

Sirasri curled up on her couch, hugging her pillow to her chest and felt her eyes begin to burn with tears.

((Please don’t cry,)) Tameketh rumbled softly from her couch, gruff in the face of her riders unhappiness, ((I really don’t know how to handle it.))

“You chose the wrong girl Tameketh.” Sirasri said softly, fingers digging into the pillow, “I’m not meant to be a goldrider.”

((We were always meant to be.)) Tameketh disagreed, ((And I was always meant to be gold, so you were always meant to be a goldrider.))

“I’m never going to be the goldrider they want me to be though....”

Tameketh was silent, and Sirasri just curled up tightly on her couch and began to cry.

Everyone thought Impressing Gold was a dream come true. A chance for freedom.

But Sirasri had never felt more trapped.
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